a side of shit with your fries?

Evan and I are back in Vermont for the weekend to celebrate Easter with my aunt and uncle and to attend the most exclusive birthday party EVER. Their neighbor, Ms. Trimbers - Marj if you're being fresh - is turning 100. I imagine that there will be strippers galore at the b-day gala, so I plan to keep Evan on a very tight leash. The last thing I need is some trash with a forehead tattoo ruining my marriage (SANDRA!).

Today while we waited in angst for my aunt to come home from work, my uncle took us to his favorite dive restaurant. Everything on the menu was five bucks or less, so you can imagine the clientele. I floated about that place with a proverbial boner, taking in the best meat Vermont had to offer. That, however, is not the point of this story. What I really want to tell you about is the horror that we witnessed while lingering over a Diet Coke at the end of that meal (I wasn't going to just leave it, that shit's expensive!). While I was sucking the last drop out of the cup before Evan could take it away from me (we were sharing because we're basically homeless), he suddenly jabbed me in the side and pointed ahead, slack-jawed. Normally this means that he has seen a cute puppy or a Chinese buffet that he wants to stuff his face at, but not this time. Instead, in the middle of the restaurant, ON ONE OF THE DINING TABLES, was one of the many Vermont proverbial boner provokers  (VPBP for short) changing his KID'S DIRTY DIAPER. I'm talking POOP ON THE TABLE. I'm talking ASS ON THE TABLE. I'm talking POOPY ASS on the table!!! We were speechless. If only we had thought to take a picture! This is just like when I saw this guy loading his car at the grocery store about a month ago and his entire ass was hanging out of his pants. While I struggled to get my camera out of my coat pocket, he turned around and frowned at me like it was ME with the problem when it was HIS hairy ass that was hanging out for all the world to see! AWKWARD QUEBECOIS HOT MESS. Anyway, that's not the worst of it. After the guy finished treating the dining room like a goddamned diaper genie, he and his daughter did the ho stroll out of the restaurant like nothing had happened. 

Fine. Whatever. No big deal. We were confident that SOMEONE would wipe down the table after witnessing the horror that had occurred on it. Unfortunately, and this is after giving half the restaurant the side eye, no one budged. And then it happened - a couple of unsuspecting teenagers with rat staches sat down at the exact table, spread their food all over it and indulged in baby shit fries without even knowing. We were too horrified to say anything! Rather than speak up, we just watched them shovel shit fry after shit fry down their gullets, too grossed out to warn them and their innocent staches.

Judging from their looks alone, I figured that their lives already sucked, and now they were eating baby shit fries for no other reason than some nasty lowlife was too lazy to take his baby to the bathroom. The NERVE! To make matters worse, just by watching Evan and I became a part of it, the whole tragic affair. That man and his baby poop affected more people than he will ever know. I am scarred, Evan is scarred, and two hapless boys could very well have an undeserved case of the shits tonight. To this, I declare SHAME ON YOU, poop father! This is one of those memories that I will have to drink away with time.